


Words We Left Unsaid

by spacegirlstuff



Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aaaaannnnnddddddd i did it again, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Crying Dean Winchester, Dead Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dialogue Heavy, Everyone Needs A Hug, Jack Kline & Dean Winchester Bonding, Jack Kline Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jack Kline is a Winchester, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Sam Winchester Knows, Season/Series 15, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Ugh, post episode, somebody stop me before i hurt someone, this is my 4th coda for this episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27490564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacegirlstuff/pseuds/spacegirlstuff
Summary: “Dean,” Sam said softly, “You found out that the person you have loved for almost forever loves you back. How does it not matter?”“Do you know what loving me cost him?”Dean cut his brother off harshly, “Loving me cost him his grace! Loving me cost him his wings!" he paused, his voice breaking at the last sentence, "Loving me cost him his life!”~~~
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003515
Comments: 14
Kudos: 133





	Words We Left Unsaid

**Author's Note:**

> And I'm back again with another coda forthe episode....  
> Wrote this one because as I said, I felt all sorts of sad with the way [When It All Crashes Down](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27472678) ended and so this is a follow up of that where Sam and Dean have a conversation...  
> So, moving on...  
> You can read my three other codas for 15x18 [The Truth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27432304), [The One Who was Left Behind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27450283) and [When It All Crashes Down](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27472678) before this one because that is the sequence in which all the events take place.  
>  **OR**  
>  You can just read this one as a stand alone fic.  
>  **Warning: Spoilers for 15x18!!!**

Dean kept an eye on the Nephilim through the glass window of the Gas-n-Sip shop, making sure that everything was going smoothly. Strictly avoiding the concerned gaze of the man sitting next to him, he kept on ignoring the tension inside the car.

They were back on the road again, one last time, trying to save the world all over again. Sam had apologized during the first few minutes into the drive and Dean had too, but other than that, none of them dared to breach the subject of what had happened in the bunker. Jack’s steady talking throughout the last two hours had been of little help, but Dean was glad to know that the kid was trying his best.

Dean may have lost the love of his life but Jack had lost his father too. And even though he had cried for the better part of the last day, he still made sure to stay next to Dean, occasionally going to go and check up on Sam. The Nephilim had stayed strong for both of them when they needed it the most and Dean would forever be grateful for that. But now it was time for Jack to step down. He was almost about to reach his limit and Dean was ready to step up. Dean was not going to sit around drowning in sorrow anymore. And he was definitely not going to pass on the job of being the pillar to Sammy. 

_ This is what Cas would have wanted _ , Dean thought, swallowing down the pain that came up each time he had thought about the angel’s name.

Internally wincing at the thought, less than a second later.

_ Because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have,  _ his traitor of a mind reminded him.

_ This is not the time for a breakdown, Dean,  _ another voice in his head said, sounding suspiciously like the angels.

_ Well, thanks for pointing out the obvious, Cas!  _ Dean thought back sarcastically.

_ I am ser- _ the voice was saying when the sound of someone clearing their throat interrupted him.

Dean looked sideways, his eyebrow raising in question.

“You are doing it again,” Sam said, his eyes still red and puffy from all the crying.

“Doing what?” Dean asked.

“That look,” the younger hunter replied, “You are thinking about him.”

Dean looked away, back towards the gas station. 

_ What was taking Jack so long? _

He knew where this was going and he did not want to talk about it, especially not now. He wasn’t going to allow himself to be subjected to a quick session of Dr. Phil. 

“He did know it, you know,” Sam continued, not even slightly deterred by the lack of reply, “He knew that you loved him too,”

Dean let out a dry laugh, “It surely didn’t sound that way when he was…”

“Trust me,” the younger brother said, “I’ve seen you both for years. You weren’t exactly hiding it. And if you were, you did a terrible job at it.”

“How long have you known?”

“About what? You being utterly in love with your best friend? For almost 5 years, if not longer.”

“I have not been in love with him for five years.”  _ I have been in love for seven. _

“Yeah, sure,” Sam responded, “Literally everyone knew. Including Crowley and Rowena.”

Dean groaned, leaning forward to rest his head on the wheel. He said, “Yeah well, it’s not like it matters now.”

“Dean,” Sam said softly, “You found out that the person you have loved for almost forever loves you back. How does it not matter?”

“Well,” Dean could feel himself fall down the pit all over again, “If you haven’t realized, he is…”

“I know that,” Sam’s voice was cautious, and it was making Dean feel like an injured animal, “But even after-”

“Sam, I don’t want to talk about this,” Dean snapped.

“But why?” Sam questioned.

“Because I hate that he loved me.” The hunter’s voice was hoarse, “I hate that he thought that I was worthy of his devotion, his care, his love. I hate that he thought that I was worthy of him.”

“It’s not you who gets to decide if you are worthy enough of him,” Sam interrupted, “It’s him. And Cas loved you for exactly who you are.”

“You don’t know what you are talking about,” Dean said.

“I may not,” Sam responded, “But I do know that you love him. And he loved you too, so-”

“Do you know what loving me cost him?” Dean cut his brother off harshly, “Loving me cost him his grace! Loving me cost him his wings! Loving me cost him his life!”

Stunned by Dean’s outburst, Sam gently said, “It was his decision.”

“Well, it was a dumbass decision,” Dean replied.

_I prefer the word devoting._ _Less dumb, less ass._ The voice in his brain supplied unhelpfully.

_ That was not even what you said!  _ Dean argued back. He had to get out of the car before he went insane.

“I’m going to check on Jack,” Dean said, unlocking the door. “A simple shopping trip in an empty gas station shouldn’t take this long.”

_ I’ll go with you, _ Cas’ voice said with way more enthusiasm than Dean could handle right now.

_ Ugh,  _ Dean groaned, skirting past an empty car _ , Were you always this annoying? _

_ I’m you, Dean,  _ Cas replied, _ Of course, I’m annoying. _

_ Alright, that’s enough of you,  _ The hunter grumbled,  _ Feel free to shut up anytime now. _

Walking into the shop, he saw Jack standing at the other end of the aisle, strategically away from the line of sight of the Impala.

Dean made sure to make a bit of noise as he walked towards the kid, giving him time to compose himself.

“Hey,” Jack turned around to greet the hunter with a bright smile that didn’t seem to reach his glossy eyes, “I was just about to leave when I remembered that I forgot the pie. It’s not exactly fresh the way you like it but I thought-”

“Thank you, Jack.” Dean said, effectively stopping the kid from rambling on, “You got everything else?”

“Yes, I did,” he held up the shopping basket proudly. 

“And the chocolates?” Dean questioned.

“There were no chocolates on the list,” Jack replied.

“Now, listen here, kid,” Dean said, “A true Winchester always buys pie and chocolates whenever they go shopping, no matter if it is on the list.”

“So, it’s like an unsaid rule?” Jack seemed to light up a bit when he realized what Dean just said.

“Yup,” Dean felt a bit proud watching the kid smile. 

“Then, I’ll go and get some chocolates right now.” The Nephilim said, shuffling past the hunter to go towards the racks. 

Hesitating slightly, Dean said, “Thank you, Jack.”

Jack stopped midway. Turning around, he said, confused, “You already thanked me.”

“This was not for the pie,” Dean looked down, shuffling on his feet slightly. 

“I don’t-” Jack started just to pause with realization, “This is about-”

“Yeah,” Dean rushed out, cutting him off, “And I owe you an apology too. For what I- I’m sorry”

“Thank you.” Jack said sincerely, “I appreciate it.”

“Yeah well,” Dean glanced up at the kid, “We are family. We gotta stick together.”

Nodding, Jack said, “I’ll go back to the car then”

“Sure,” Dean replied, standing in the same spot as he looked at the Nephilim walk out, after dropping a few bills on the counter.

_ Now that went well _ , he thought, sighing out. 

_ It did _ , Cas agreed. Dean could imagine the proud smile on the angels’ face. 

“How could you love me after everything I did?” Dean asked out loud, “How could you love me after everything it cost you? How could you love me knowing that…”

John Winchester’s face clouded the hunter’s brain. Words he had heard a long time ago filled his brain. 

He heard his own voice shouting at him, taunting him, kicking him down.

_ You are too tainted for your own good. That’s why you corrupt everything you touch. It’s just what you are good at. _

_ You are too damaged for your own good. That’s why you destroy everything you touch, It’s in your nature. _

_ You are too dead for your own good. That’s why you kill everything you touch. It’s the only thing you know how to do. _

Taking in a breath, he focused on the angel’s voice that seemed to fight his own, showering him with a hundred compliments for each insult his mind conjured. 

“I’m sorry, Cas.” His voice cracked as he finally said the angel’s name. 

_ There is nothing for you to apologize for _ , Cas replied.

Knowing that this was the last time he would allow himself to be weak, he continued, “I should have said something, I should have done something. I should have held onto you, I should have fought-”

_ You fought for the whole world, Dean _ . The angel’s voice was tender, filled with love,  _ You don’t have to fight for me too. _

_ “ _ I may have fought for the whole world for love, but I failed to fight for my whole world, for my love, for you.” Dean sobbed, “You are the only thing I ever want to fight for. You are the only thing worth fighting for, worth caring for, worth living for.”

_ Then care for the world for me, fight for the world for me, love the world for me.  _

“I need you, man.” The hunter admitted in a small voice.

_ You have always had me, _ Cas said,  _ and you always will.  _

“I love you, Cas.” He said to an empty room for the millionth time in the last two days.

_ I love you too, Dean. _

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so... Idk what to say.  
> First of all, the amount of love you have shown me on my last coda [When It All Crashes Down](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27472678) is absolutely unbelievable. I posted it like a day ago and right now it has 1.1k reads and I'm just blown away.  
> I hope you like this one as much as you liked the last one!!!  
> This is probably going to be my last coda for this episode because  
> 1\. It freaking hurts.  
> 2\. I have to stop torturing myself with this at some point.  
> 3\. It FREAKING HURTS!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spacegirlstuff) randomly shouting and screaming and just acting like the crazy bitch I am. You all are invited to join me!!!  
> I'll see you all tomorrow, hopefully!!!
> 
> The continuation of this ff has been posted and you can read it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27526045)


End file.
